memorandum

i realized that this week of may marks my one year anniversary of graduation from college. when you've been under the schedule of the school system for your entire life up to pretty much now, you start counting the years semester by semester rather than january to january.

so here's to my 1 year since college, and boy what a year it has been!

may, 2011: graduation. played a recital for my family. saw mom and dad at the same table for the first time since the divorce. moved myself on a very hot summer day to a house on packard avenue in somerville with 3 strangers. that very first shower felt oh so good after strapping on a queen size bed to the top of amaro's honda. helped amaro move to a new place in somerville, too- we rented a uhaul for that. the van was like our mini apartment for a day!

june, 2011: started working on the YouthBEAT project at the Berklee School of Music. actually started using the T to commute every morning, like a grown ass woman. loved being downtown in the midst of it all; hated being in air conditioning, under flourescent lights, in front of a computer all day. but, i did go to music classes and watch blues bands rehearse as my job, so can't complain too much- just learned i couldn't be a researcher.

july, 2011: went to the cape for a few weekends here and there and had lovely times alone with nana and gramps on the cape which hadn't happened in years and years. i love going to stop and shop with nana. watched the 4th of july parade in chatham, then hopped on the bus back to boston and got back in time for some magnificent fireworks over the charles on a warm summer night with amaro. picked up a second job at suneri. davis is always kind of magical in the summer- outdoor eating, places open late, music always floating in the air, film festivals...evan returned from tennessee to boston and stayed with me the first few nights. good thing amaro had gotten me an air conditioner as a house warming gift.

august, 2011: got used to cooking for myself and working normal person hours. got very good at making fruit smoothies, with or without rum. had many a dinner party with sharon, evan, and amaro on my back porch. evan and i slept in sharon's room all together one night when our air conditioning broke. good thing we all ended up living just a few blocks from one another.
i heard about the suicide of a classmate from high school. i cried on the porch where i had hung evan's laundry- we bartered- he cleaned the bathroom. i got a call from my costume design professor linda asking if i wanted to move to new york. i called anna. she said i could live in her room. i decided to go.

september, 2011: i moved to new york.  my first bus was cancelled due to the "hurricane."  south station was a madhouse the next day. amaro was such a good sport. i was late, buses were canceled, and i was leaving behind everything i knew with just 2 suitcases and no idea what the next thing was for me, which meant i was probably being a complete nutcase. we said goodbye.
4 hours later, meredith picked me up at the bus station in chinatown. boston and new york aren't that far away, but i felt very very far away. i felt like i had to be very brave. i moved myself into anna's room.
the very next morning, i took the subway to soho.  i made it to the film office on broadway without an iphone.  as soon as i got there, i was turned right back around to go pick up dresses from j.mendel.  then saks, then barney's, then maybe gucci? i can't remember.  i rode the subway 8 times that day.

october, 2011: i'd been working on 'gods behaving badly' for about a month. i get a second job working at bloomingdale's on 59th street. i meet up with tracy aronoff for the first time in years, and we share a bottle of wine over dinner al fresco near the high line. i start to fall absolutely in love with new york. amaro and i break up. my dad and i go on a trip to new orleans. i apply to the gap RMP program. i went on a weekend trip to the ocean in new jersey to play chamber music and made friends with my bus driver. i start writing once a week for tanteshaus.

november, 2011: i work on a few other productions- 'nous york', 'law and order'. new york is beautiful in the fall. i spend every open moment just walking the city, wandering through blocks upon blocks of this huge, groaning, beautiful jungle where you can be whatever you want to be. i take myself to museums, music, bookstores, nooks and crannies. i go to boston to spend thanksgiving with amaro and bill & lloyd. bill & lloyd are the most inspiring couple i know. i shake eileen fisher's hand. i complete my second round brand launch presentation interview for gap, during a lunch break at bloomingdale's while i was supposed to be attending the eileen fisher appearance event. i had stayed up all night the night before.

december, 2011: the snow starts to fall, i start being late for work at bloomingdale's. i land a gig with 'spiderman.' lia moves to new york to become a cellist. i start not knowing which way is up; i struggle to find where i'm going next. long nights, wrong men, poor sleep schedule. the way new york lets you get away with all of that becomes intoxicating.  i called my mother on the phone in the stockroom at bloomingdale's.  i was hungry and i cried and asked her if i could come home.  i quit everything, wrote everyone i knew their own incredibly earnest thank you card, and returned to california just in time for christmas in tahoe. i left meredith and zeb christmas gifts on the dining room table. i miss them.

january, 2012: spent the new year in san francisco with my brother, sister, and mom. safe. as i watched those fireworks on the embarcadero, i vowed that i was going to get myself wherever i wanted to go this year; every year. i holed myself up in my room, rallied all the troops, and at the other end of that week, i had applied to graduate school at parsons.  i cut off my hair. i shopped for shoes. i went to my gap RMP final round assessment day. i made damn sure nothing was in my way.  i got the gap job, and that very same day booked a ticket straight back to new york.

february, 2012: i took a glass blowing class, because i have always wanted to do that, and i had an open ended christmas present from my dad. i ended up with a huge crush. i went to new york and had tea with lia in the lobby of a hotel with floor to ceiling windows. i spend the best valentine's ever with lia in the east village. took a bus to d.c. and had pitchers of margaritas and luxurious dinners with college friends. i hung out with family peter, angela, and kids. i bussed to boston and landed at evan and sharon's house- their couch is the best. i can feel at home there. i got the last of my stuff out of amaro's apartment and out of his hair. i wore my nana's grey coat with fur everywhere. it started gently snowing in boston, just as i got on the plane back to california. i was glad to come back.

march, 2012: i did a little nesting in berkeley, ca and made it my home. i rekindled relationships with old music mentors and started the path of figuring out what happens next with music. i let my heart wander all over the place. then i flew to tokyo. sitting at a public computer, i open an email from my dad. i read an acceptance letter from parsons, thousands of miles away.

april, 2012: hokkaido, tokyo, kyoto, nara, hiroshima, miyajima, back to tokyo. five weeks of incredible trip, and as traveling always does, left me with perspective. i was ready to come home. one week later i started working with gap. all of a sudden, i'm in a corporate office that has its own modern art museum. am i dreaming? did my own tax returns. not dreaming. i finish reading simone de beauvoir 'the second sex.' not dreaming.

may, 2012: i turn 23. i get my first paycheck. i start searching for apartments in san francisco again. san francisco is not like new york, but i like it, i think just the same. it's softer, more romantic, gentler, easier. less exhilarating, but kinder. i do my yoga, painting, music. i make friends at work with a british girl and a southern boy. i realize that it has been a year since graduation.

right now, 2012: i can't see anything but up. right now, this year, oh, i am so ready to make you mine.

Kyoto

Since Kathryn has arrived in Japan we have been doing so much sightseeing I've haven't had much time to write.

The past four days we spent in Kyoto with one day trip to Nara. There were beautiful temples and shrines galore- some very much advertised and some so normal to be almost hidden away. It oftentimes seemed that there was some sort of ancient spiritual space down every little street.

One of the things that amazes me most about Japan is exactly this- that everything coexists one on top of one another. World heritage sites, temples, and emblems of thousands of years of history literally stand right next to love hotels, huge glittering shopping arcades, and the cutting edge.

Yesterday we saw Maiko (trainee geishas) do their spring dance performance in the gion district of Kyoto. The costumes were beautiful!

Other quick highlights- having real matcha at kiyomizu dera, going to hanami (Japanese tradition of going to a park area to enjoy the cherry blossoms and have a picnic) and joining in the local revelry, feeding sacred deer in Nara and getting our only map eaten by a mangy male deer, eating all different types of food- trying out the different regional ramen specialties, eating hot nabe at a soba restaurant that has been in business for over 300 years, eating okonomiyaki which was prepared on a hot plate before our eyes....

asakusa

yesterday was my first sightseeing day all alone!

i started by heading to the Asakusa Amuse Museum where i saw an incredible exhibit on 'boro,' or old, used textiles passed down through generations with patches and patches that are now (rightfully so) considered important works of textile art. i am sorry not to have a way to post pictures until i get back, but the exhibit as well as how it was curated was really incredible. it was one of the first museums i have ever been in where i was allowed to both touch and photograph most everything, which really added to the experience (textiles are fragile, so i understand why most places don't let visitors touch. however, maybe with this exhibit, they imagine that the visitors will add to the patina of the pieces by experiencing them through touch, so it is accepted. in any case, being able to experience the texture really added to the exhibit).

i then decided to continue the theme of the day and also head a bit outside of the touristy part of asakusa and head to uguisudan, one station north of ueno to tokyo's 'fabric town.' i didn't see a single other 'gaijin' there, but mostly just local women shopping for fabrics. the streets were lined with fabric shops, shops with notions and trims, raw leather stores, and some kimono shops.

i then headed to shibuya, the big shopping distric, because i remembered a good ramen place there.  at this ramen place, as with many, you buy a ramen ticket in a sort of vending machine which you then hand to your server.  also, i love that tips are not customary!

i wandered about shibuya, and although the higher-end stores feature many internaional and western designers, i wanted to find out and learn more about local designers. i found tsumori chisato and was particularly enamored with her sense of humor and use of color and volume in her shapes. also interesting that she worked for issey miyake, another japanese designer i admire.

kathryn and i added a little leg to our trip!  on our way back from hiroshima to tokyo, we are going to stop on an 'art island' called naoshima.  it looks incredible.  apparently the museums are lit purely with natural light, and if you spend the night (there is only one hotel and it is in the museum itself), you can wander the exhibits all through the night at any time you please.  we can't spend the night, but can you imagine, standing in front of a monet or a sculpture in a deserted gallery in your pajamas with only the stars as company?!

on my way

2 days ago, i left snowy hokkaido.  my first stop on my backpacking tour of japan (although you could hardly call my luggage that of a backpacker) was kamakura.

kamakura is a beautiful old seaside town about an hour outside of central tokyo. it was like nothing i have ever seen before. the local trains ran through such narrow spaces, like it was literally running through backyards and even front yards of old wooden houses perched along the sea.

i stayed with my mother's cousin sachiko-san and her husband. their daughter aya and i went out friday night together to a place where people go to eat and drink- my first time being out alone as a young person in japan. the place we went to was mostly men, and older men at that, all going out for drinks with their co-oworkers after a long day's work.  it seems that women generally go to cuter places, like cafes, but i liked that we went to the type of place aya normally goes to- in the company of men, and the smell of cigarettes and whiskey, we were right at home just the two of us at our little table, not paying much attention to anyone else or feeling particularly out of place ourselves.  women don't always have to be cute.

yesterday all day sachiko-san took me all around kamakura, and we saw temples and old villages galore. i drank real, frothy matcha out of a ceramic bowl nearly the size of my face.  it was so deeply green it tasted almost grassy, yet not bitter.

today aya and i went to enoshima, an island near kamakura that is popular among the surfer / sailor type it seems. i've never been on a japanese island before, but it was beautiful, island-y like other places but very japanese at the same time. we climbed to the very top of the lighthouse and went to the temple there, the only temple i will go to that is right on the sea!

i left kamakura today and came to takahata, also in tokyo but about an hour and a half today. i am staying with the suzuki family, and am waiting right now for ayako-chan to come home. we are going cherry blossom viewing tomorrow.

after takahata, i will be staying in asakusa (yet another part of tokyo) alone. asakusa supposedly has a great local flavor of old japan and also a good nightlife. let the adventure begin.

parsons

i got into parsons!

the news is a bit delayed, but thank you again to everyone who helped me with my application, and those whose encouragement gave me the wherewithal to make my application happen this year, finally.

my request for a deferral was very politely rejected, but they said that next year should i decide to reapply, i simply need to send an updated CV and don't have to redo the whole application. although there is no guarantee for readmission, it's nice that they can keep my info on file so i won't be an unfamiliar name.

bathroom talk

i'll be frank.

on a normal day, i would say, going to a bathroom is a solitary experience steeped in muscle memory and repetitive custom so much so that generally, i would say that we take for granted the knowledge required to 'go to the bathroom.'

something that always takes me by slight surprise when i visit japan is the brainpower required simply to use a bathroom facility properly.

european style toilets are de rigeur in most homes these days, but if you happen to find yourself really trying to get a taste of japan staying in traditional inns or old world style yakitori (skewered chicken) houses, ladies, be aware that you might be squatting upon a glorified hole in the ground.  porcelain, yes, but it doesn't make that whole process any more graceful than if you were camping.

but holes in the ground have existed since antiquity- what really gets confusing are the seated toilet contraptions.  firstly, most toilet seats are heated.  i remember the very first time i realized this, and that the heat wasn't from someone else who had sat on the toilet for a very long time (to warm it, just for me presumably).  warm toilet seats at home inspire in me the same kind of disgust i have for standing in a shower or bathtub after the water has stopped running (my old roommates know about this well- and have complained about the lake i would make on the bathroom floor since i refused to towel off actually standing inside the shower). but no, out of courtesy or comfort for the sitter, the seat is preheated.  and now i'll never know how long the person before me was there...

many toilet seats in homes are covered.  not just the lid part, but i mean the whole seat.  at my grandparent's house, it is covered in a terry fabric, like a towel. think as you wish about this one.

we haven't even covered the basics of 'how to wash your bottom' yet. in public facilities in metropolitan areas, there might be signs inside each stall in english to try to explain to bewildered westerners that of course you should spray your butt with water of all different pressures and fountain shapes every time you go to the bathroom. i've never been in the men's bathroom, but really, there is a bar on the side of each seat- kind of like a remote control for some ride- with pictures of fountains for front, back, and a whole bunch of buttons i'd rather not press while seated for fear of some sort of surprise niagra falls emerging from the throne.

ok, and then, there are always two different size flushes, naturally, for different sized excrements. and then, in many homes, when you flush, there is a little faucet that sprouts water to wash your hands with, a mini sink of sorts.

in public bathrooms, many stalls have little stools or seats for children and babies. there are always multiple hooks for coats and purses, and most likely you'll find toilet seat sanitizer (with signs that say 'please push 5 times to apply cleaner enough') for you to sanitize the seat upon which you are supposedly going to spend some time with the bidet.

brain tired yet? not to mention, most everything is automatic and electronic, including a faux flushing sound that turns on when you start to go to the bathroom so nobody can hear your real tinkle...

don't you think you could spend eons in there? and how do we ever survive in the brash west without heated seats with remote controlled bidets and faux flushing noises? 

really, i don't know, because girls only poop roses anyway.

history

the kitchen sink at my grandparent's house in ishikari is a stainless steel basin facing a wall of deep red tile.  there is one small flourescent lamp that hangs overhead.

as i stand there, washing piles of tiny dishes, each with their own purpose, i think of the lifetime my grandmother has spent, washing dishes, scaling fish,  peeling turnips, soaking onions right in that tiny windowless space.

today, my sister interviewed my grandmother. on my brand new iphone 4s, i have what will become hours of voice recordings recalling history of places and times worlds away from what my sister and i have ever known. stories of living through the war, of bartering in the black market, of baking fish for the customers who stayed at the family inn, of hiding bags of rice in crevices in the cieling, of being one of the lucky few who could attend high school.

sometimes i love blinding speed, of being able to live life so spontaneously and so in every moment that i barely have time to think or mull.  i think my youth makes me excitable, impatient- and i get frustrated when i don't have the freedom to move with abandon. 

but being here, i get used to the steady pace, regular, calculated even- and realize that things still get done, and people still enjoy life. moving through space and time with this much specificity takes an incredible amount of grace, a particular grace that is difficult to pin down and that i have only found here in japan.

it is a different kind of freedom here- within customs, rules, boundaries, you can be free. the world isn't so big and unmeasurable. within boundaries, there is empty space, mu, and how we move through this space with grace becomes both your peace and also your life's greatest work.